weaponize
Hello everyone,
As always, I hope the universe has been at least a little kind to you in the circumstances you’ve been put in. As some of you may remember, I had hinted a couple months ago at putting up my last self-produced song of 2019 with a full address of my circumstances and my intentions with the channel that I would be working out with my therapist. However, since addressing my intentions with the channel after being accused of “grooming the fanbase” with these uploads ( • Post ) and with the generally positive and understanding reception this community has shown since making that post, I’ve decided to just put this out and get it over with so we can move forward with what this channel can be for everyone.
This song, as you’ve surely noticed by the time you read this, is very short, simple, and in my opinion, one of my least musically interesting pieces I’ve made, but the lyrics mean a great deal to me, and maybe they can mean something to some of you. After being given so much time to process and understand my development into the person I am now, I’ve acknowledged that, until recent years, I had heavily pressured myself to seek out sexual activity when I first started being active at 20 years old to feel an affirmation of normalcy, something that makes so much sense to me now, but at the time felt so confusing and existentially mortifying without feeling like I could talk to anybody about it, so I didnt. From 21 to 22 I continued to fumble through this excruciatingly delicate aspect of interaction between people, and would go on to make the mistakes that would hurt people I cared for very much, until it was finally brought to my immediate attention, and concepts like consent and open communication were impacting my way of perceiving interactions with others, especially those I felt an attraction to, for the very first time. However, even moving forward with this newfound understanding, I would continue to seek out validation to feel a sense of wholeness, something that I now know is an incredibly unhealthy and self-degrading mindset to have. Between the ages of 23 and 25 even my interactions with people who shared a mutual attraction, were interested, and openly communicated with me during our time together felt hollow as I was continuing to force myself to feel satisfaction from the validation I had convinced myself was necessary to feel human. It has only been within the last year that I have finally acknowledged that I do not need to force myself to be a sexual being, that I can receive satisfaction and contentedness in my wholeness of self from other elements of life, and that I don’t need to be tied down to my attraction to others anymore and feel like there is something I’ve been crucially missing from my life.
This isn’t to prove anything or to make excuses for my past mistakes as I’ve previously stated, but I will forever stand up to the public narrative of me that has been established for the last few years by an ever-growing ouroboros of comment sections and forums, filled with people who have just as much vague info on my life as everyone else does. The word “sinister” continues to be used to describe me and my controversy, as if to insinuate that I have meticulously planned and calculated my life up to this point with intentions of pure evil, that I am hopeless to any kind of community rehabilitation, and that my body is nothing but a weapon that I have used over and over again to remorselessly hurt people. This song, as short and simplistic as it is, encapsulates the feeling of mental anguish that comes from repairing my brain after the massive overhaul that I’ve made to it in recent years following this period of extreme conditioning. I’m proud of myself for being able to put this much of myself out there now, and sincerely appreciate everyone who has welcomed me into this community.
I apologize if some of you were expecting something else for the last song, but I hope you can enjoy the song for what it is and continue staying tuned in for the future. This is a song I admittedly have held off on releasing because of the personal subject matter surrounding it, but I have felt supported and encouraged enough in the last couple months to feel comfortable enough to let it out and move on.
As a side note: thank you to everyone to sent in a submission for lessons, as of today there are just over 100 people who have signed up, and while I am only starting with three, I hope that things can go smoothly enough that I can take on more students at a time and give everyone a chance to be taught in some capacity relatively soon. The first three students have been randomly selected and once hayden and I test the new camera to work out any kinks that might show up, those who were selected will receive an email with lesson/scheduling details.
As always, thank you so much again to everyone and I wish you a radiant rest of your day.
On this page of the site you can watch the video online weaponize with a duration of hours minute second in good quality, which was uploaded by the user fallens memes dump 14 May 2020, share the link with friends and acquaintances, this video has already been watched 8,682 times on youtube and it was liked by 325 viewers. Enjoy your viewing!
